[quote]
People are judging me without understanding what I went through. First of all, child abuse is a very serious offense from any point of view. I do not condone any abuse of children in any of its ugly forms. If you remember from living in New Vrindaban that Kirtanananda loved to force devotees to the breaking point. He would try to see how much you could take, and if you couldn’t take it then you were looked down upon. This was in all forms of service whether it was the pick, working in the kitchen, the gurukula, anything. He would pile on the burden and stress to see how much you could take.
I entered the gurukula in 1976 and for six years I didn’t get a break from the children. I had to be there to fill in the gaps for devotee[s] who didn’t show up for service or who Kirtanananda put in other departments. The gurukula did not receive much help or funds. I must admit that I was not qualified to be a headmaster of a school. I was never given any training on how to manage a boarding school and an academic school. Nor was I given any training in child psychology. I was just put in the gurukula to learn as you went.
Some things that works for, but for things like nuclear reactors and taking care of children, it doesn’t. There has to be training. I had to be there to wake up the children, see that they were bathed, take them to a full morning program, cook for them, wash their clothes, teach them during the day, cook for them at night, clean the ashram and put them to sleep. Only when I demanded a break in 1982 did Kirtanananda allow me to go to India for the installation of the Prabhupada murti. Even then he was reluctant. I had to be at the gurukula twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year for six years with no break. Sometimes there was help and sometimes there wasn’t. Sometimes, I had to use the older children to discipline the younger children. I had to do what was necessary. I was always at the breaking point.
Since people want to judge me by Western standards, is there a university anywhere in the world that would train a person under these circumstances? Did ISKCON or Kirtanananda give me any training? Of course not, so when disaster happens what did you expect? It was the blind leading the blind. Of course it was my stupidity for allowing myself to be put under such stress. I did have a choice and could have walked away from it at any time. However, I sincerely thought, as did all the residents of New Vrindaban at the time, that Kirtanananda was acting as Srila Prabhupada’s representative and that whatever pressures we were under must be Krishna’s will. Well, come to find out later that it wasn’t Krishna’s will, and that I was mislead and in turn mislead others.
When I was attending public school in Texas in the sixties physical punishment was the norm. The coach, the vice principal and the principal had paddles with holes in them and they used them on a daily basis. When I joined the movement in 1971, I was still under the impression that physical punishment was used in public schools. When I joined the gurukula in Dallas in 1971, I was still under that impression. I never used a paddle on the children because there wasn’t much pressure with six children and all the kids were enthusiastic to be there. In 1976 when I was asked to help in the gurukula in New Vrindaban, I was still under the impression that physical punishment was the norm. I was never told otherwise by any of my authorities, Kirtanananda or Jagadisha. We didn’t read newspapers or watch the news on TV in those days so I was not informed of what was happening in public schools. I did not find out that any form of physical punishment had been banned and that a person could be jailed for physical abuse.
When I joined the New Vrindaban gurukula in 1976 there was only eight or so children and it was manageable. As the community grew so did the school, and by 1980 there were forty children living in a three bedroom house with an attached trailer. That was insanity and foolishness by Western standards, and no one should have gone through such torture, children or teachers. Some concerned parents put their children in the gurukula reluctantly and were not allowed visits. That was an order by Kirtanananda. It was maya to want to be with your children. Some parents wanted to just dump their children in the gurukula and dump their responsibility for raising them. Many of the children just didn’t want to be there. When a child doesn’t want to cooperate then a hellish situation is created where physical punishment has to be used to keep discipline. It soon came to be that over half of the children were in that category.
I had joined Krishna consciousness in 1971 in Austin, Texas under Vishnujan Maharaj and got quite a jolt of spiritual life. Krishna gave me a higher taste that transcended my material desires. As a student at the University of Texas I was experimenting in marijuana and sex. When I danced in kirtan and ate prasadam for the first time I thought I had gone to the spiritual world. Wow, what an experience! I gave up smoking cigarettes, marijuana, sex and my Harley Davidson Sportster. I maintained that higher taste through the early seventies ’till I got to New Vrindaban.
However, I was not free from attachment to women. I just thought I was. I had too much pride and a sincere devotee is humble. In my personal family, my father neglected me, my brother and my sister. His life centered around golf and his family was second, a distant second. When I joined the gurukula I wanted the children to get the attention they deserved and not feel insecure at not being with their parents. I sincerely wanted to train them in spiritual life and be a second father. Little did I know that a few years down the road lay disaster much worse than neglect.
When the gurukula grew and became unmanageable, I lost my higher taste. Half of the children didn’t want to be there, and they created problems, so much so, that no ashram teacher would stay for any time. They would last for a few months and leave for some other service. Discipline became a major headache. The higher taste is maintained by hearing and chanting about Krishna. I lost that taste around 1980 and the whole school became a burden. It was not pleasurable at all. My original intention for entering the gurukula was lost. I cracked and exploded inwardly, while outwardly putting on a show of, “I can do this.”
When the gurukula moved down to New Nandagram in Wilson Valley in 1981, the facility expanded but not the help. I went to Kirtanananda and asked to get married, but at that time he didn’t want me too, because if I got married I couldn’t dedicate my full time to the children, and there was no one else who wanted that responsibility. Inwardly my material desires had taken over and it spilled over externally. It wasn’t until 1983 that he allowed me to marry and by then it was too late. Offenses had been committed. Even then he sneered at me when I thanked him for allowing me to marry.
I could point the finger at Kirtanananda or Jagadisha for not guiding me properly, but the responsibility lies with me. In my last life I must have misguided others so that in this life I was misguided. Kirtanananda was only the instrument and not the cause. The real cause in my own actions in a previous life. I could have walked away at anytime, but didn’t, so I have to take responsibility for my own actions. I sincerely apologize to the children who were in the gurukula and to the Vaishnava community as a whole for my failure as a teacher. I bow at the feet of all and ask forgiveness.
Since that time I have sought counseling from within and from Srila Prabhupada’s books. I majored in psychology at the University of Texas but left it because I didn’t feel that it offered much in the way of answers. I instead concentrated on my japa and the Bhagavatam for answers. I have received more than what I ever expected. The whole spiritual world is present in Srila Prabhupada’s books. Krishna has humbled me and for that I so thankful. I can now look up to others. I will never be a GBC, sannyasi, guru, temple president or be in any position where I have to pass judgment on others. I thank Krishna daily, for some of these positions I secretly coveted for years. I am cured. I have learned that I am not dependent on an institution but the lotus feet of Lord Krishna. The institution is there to help spiritual development, but ultimately it must lead us to constant remembrance of Radha and Krishna. The inward journey back to the spiritual world is a road that is narrow, says Christ, and few there are that find it. We all have to move on with our lives and not live in the past. As Bhaktivinode says, “Forget the past that sleeps and ne’er the future dream at all but live in times that are with thee and progress thee shall call.”
One may say that’s okay, but what about those who were abused? To them I bow down and ask forgiveness. I ask them not to point a finger but realize that no one is innocent in this world. All of us carry the burden of past sins, and we must all suffer because of it. No one can experience suffering unless he or she caused suffering in a previous life. Whoever inflicts suffering upon us is, in truth, only an instrument. The real cause of our suffering is our actions from a previous life. Why were some children abused and not others? In no way am I saying that it is okay to abuse or cheat others, and they have to accept it as mercy and I have no responsibility. No, the instrument for abuse must also suffer in this life or a future life for abuse committed. No one has a license to abuse others. However, the only way to move on with our lives is for each of us to learn that we cause our own suffering and enjoyment. When we accept that and accept the blame for our suffering then we can turn our attention toward the lotus feet of Krishna and become the rightful inheritors to the kingdom of God.
Please try to understand that before 1980 I had no problems and after the stress was lifted I had no problems. Stress can cause people to do things that they wouldn’t ordinarily do. I am in a position like that of a snake. Everyone is afraid of a snake. People are afraid of me and think that I am a monster who preys on children because they don’t know me. I have no such feelings. Since the gurukula I have been around Nrisimha and Kinkini’s children (1996). I lived in their house for six months and baby-sat their children, Jalebi, Padayatra and Nitai. I have taken care Hrishikesh’s children at times. We have taken care of Sita’s children, Duke, plus I have two wonderful children of my own. I don’t have sensual feeling toward children.
If a devotee has an accidental fall down and takes shelter of Krishna, Krishna will remove the problem and beautify His devotee. The key is to go on remembering Krishna in all circumstances no matter what the material energy throws at you. We are on a battlefield, fighting the material energy and sometimes we will be injured. We must get up and continue to fight. Again, I am extremely sorry for being an instrument for abuse. I, again, ask the forgiveness of all Vaishnavas. [unquote]